S.O.S.
Once again I've lived up to my wheels off, crazy shit happens to aboynamedstu reputation. And lest you think I make these stories up, I have my entire church softball team—Dirty Search appropriately enough—as witness to this most salacious of escapades that went down on the patio at Humperdinks in Richardson of all places!
It started when we started our second round of 100 ounce beers. You see BLOG reader, Humperdinks has these huge ass contraptions that they bring out to your table. We ordered two at time since most of Dirty Search was in attendance after our crippling defeat earlier that evening. These 100 ounce beer things look like a giant bong. Not to imply I'm all 420. I'm not. I have asthma. But my point. It's a giant plastic tube filled with 100 ounces of beer and we were on our second set when two women and a young boy walked out onto the patio and took a seat behind our large table.
I noted them, mainly because it was past 10pm on a Monday night and they had a kid who couldn't have been more than five with them. Not to judge. Trust me. You can judge later. And a late night is the least of this kid's worries as you'll soon read.
They hadn't been seated all that long when My Man Bruce, channeling Sly Stallone in the epic Over the Top challenged Jay-Bird to an arm wrestling match.
Why?
I have no fucking idea.
But boys will be boys and before I knew it they were setting up to arm wrestle which is when one of the ladies who had come in with the kid yelled out something like, "Yoo-hoo!," and then, I shit you not, pulled up her t-shirt exposing her large and as it would turn out, fake breasts.
Yoo-hoo, indeed.
I lost it. Gagged I laughed so hard lost it. Then I stopped. Slowly realizing or remembering that she had a five year old kid with her. Which horrified me. Until she flashed her tits again, in what she later explained was her attempt to motivate My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird for their arm wrestling match, which made me lose it all over again.
She took our laughter as an invitation to leave her table and come over and talk to us while My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird arm wrestled. She left the kid and the lady, who it turns out was her nanny, at their table, and apropos of nothing, told me and a couple of other guys on our end of the table that we shouldn't avoid the asshole.
Ok?!?
Then she whipped out her tits again to encourage My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird who were in sort of a stalemate in their arm wrestling battle before explaining to us that women loved to have their assholes played with during sexual congress. Touched. Licked. Didn't matter what you did, so long as you did it. She implored (between random tit flashing) that even if they would never admit it, women liked their assholes played with.
From there it just went deep South.
She kept telling us crazy shit as she bounced from patio table to patio table. Patron to patron. Drinking. Showing her tits. Showing her breast enlargement scars. Talking about (and attempting to show) her personal grooming regiment below the proverbial belt. It became as over the top as My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird's arm wrestling match. To the point of us actually ignoring her. Which to be honest, didn't stop her. She just moved on to someone else. Like the old man, who had to be in his 70s, who's fedora hat she took off his head and rubbed all over her exposed tits. Or the two college students of African descent that she was convinced where terrorists because they kept staring at her. She would go from the most mundane story (she was studying to be a nurse and had taken a test that day) to the most wheels off story (she was a nymphomaniac) in the same breath.
Dirty Search dwindled after awhile. Some of the guys were horrified from the get go. Either by the nudity. Her drunkenness. Or the kid. Others (which would include me) found it funny even if we were disturbed by the presence of the kid. All in all it was interesting to see how the different guys reacted to it all and then what they told people (including their wives) after the fact.
But it was wild to the point of being surreal. At one point I even thought to myself, are we on What Would You Do?
Which we were not. Which is probably good. Because we did nothing.
Except pay our tab (one of the guys bought her a buttery nipple shot as we closed out which I thought was awesome considering her antics) and leave. But not before she came up to our remaining group, in all seriousness, and with a lucidity that still shocks me to this day considering her behavior that evening and asked that we not say anything about that night if we saw her at the t-ball fields.
Until I BLOG again...All around the world, girls will be girls.
It started when we started our second round of 100 ounce beers. You see BLOG reader, Humperdinks has these huge ass contraptions that they bring out to your table. We ordered two at time since most of Dirty Search was in attendance after our crippling defeat earlier that evening. These 100 ounce beer things look like a giant bong. Not to imply I'm all 420. I'm not. I have asthma. But my point. It's a giant plastic tube filled with 100 ounces of beer and we were on our second set when two women and a young boy walked out onto the patio and took a seat behind our large table.
I noted them, mainly because it was past 10pm on a Monday night and they had a kid who couldn't have been more than five with them. Not to judge. Trust me. You can judge later. And a late night is the least of this kid's worries as you'll soon read.
They hadn't been seated all that long when My Man Bruce, channeling Sly Stallone in the epic Over the Top challenged Jay-Bird to an arm wrestling match.
Why?
I have no fucking idea.
But boys will be boys and before I knew it they were setting up to arm wrestle which is when one of the ladies who had come in with the kid yelled out something like, "Yoo-hoo!," and then, I shit you not, pulled up her t-shirt exposing her large and as it would turn out, fake breasts.
Yoo-hoo, indeed.
I lost it. Gagged I laughed so hard lost it. Then I stopped. Slowly realizing or remembering that she had a five year old kid with her. Which horrified me. Until she flashed her tits again, in what she later explained was her attempt to motivate My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird for their arm wrestling match, which made me lose it all over again.
She took our laughter as an invitation to leave her table and come over and talk to us while My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird arm wrestled. She left the kid and the lady, who it turns out was her nanny, at their table, and apropos of nothing, told me and a couple of other guys on our end of the table that we shouldn't avoid the asshole.
Ok?!?
Then she whipped out her tits again to encourage My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird who were in sort of a stalemate in their arm wrestling battle before explaining to us that women loved to have their assholes played with during sexual congress. Touched. Licked. Didn't matter what you did, so long as you did it. She implored (between random tit flashing) that even if they would never admit it, women liked their assholes played with.
From there it just went deep South.
She kept telling us crazy shit as she bounced from patio table to patio table. Patron to patron. Drinking. Showing her tits. Showing her breast enlargement scars. Talking about (and attempting to show) her personal grooming regiment below the proverbial belt. It became as over the top as My Man Bruce and Jay-Bird's arm wrestling match. To the point of us actually ignoring her. Which to be honest, didn't stop her. She just moved on to someone else. Like the old man, who had to be in his 70s, who's fedora hat she took off his head and rubbed all over her exposed tits. Or the two college students of African descent that she was convinced where terrorists because they kept staring at her. She would go from the most mundane story (she was studying to be a nurse and had taken a test that day) to the most wheels off story (she was a nymphomaniac) in the same breath.
Dirty Search dwindled after awhile. Some of the guys were horrified from the get go. Either by the nudity. Her drunkenness. Or the kid. Others (which would include me) found it funny even if we were disturbed by the presence of the kid. All in all it was interesting to see how the different guys reacted to it all and then what they told people (including their wives) after the fact.
But it was wild to the point of being surreal. At one point I even thought to myself, are we on What Would You Do?
Which we were not. Which is probably good. Because we did nothing.
Except pay our tab (one of the guys bought her a buttery nipple shot as we closed out which I thought was awesome considering her antics) and leave. But not before she came up to our remaining group, in all seriousness, and with a lucidity that still shocks me to this day considering her behavior that evening and asked that we not say anything about that night if we saw her at the t-ball fields.
Until I BLOG again...All around the world, girls will be girls.
I really REALLY should not be reading these at work for two reasons:
ReplyDelete1. This one almost falls into the NSFW category and 2. My boss had to come to see what my snorting was about it - she looked at the screen for a few minutes and turned around and walked out of my office not saying a word!!
OMG STUART!! So glad you love a challenge!