Day 26: A Funny (True) Story
MK asked me after reading the N word story why it seemed crazy shit happened more to me, than her, or other people.
Because, let's face it, when I thought of today's topic I had a bunch of stories pop into my head.
• My onanistic attempt in a public restroom.
• The time I shit—lest I shit myself—in a public park.
• Wearing My Lovely Bride's pants (by accident) for a job interview.
• Tampered with the mail.
• Fashioned a band-aid out of a Maxi-Pad.
• Dug a tick out of the Elder Boy's junk.
If I thought longer I could add more. Hell, anyone who has ever read this, or that, know my penchant to mine the crazy shit that often happens in my life.
It would be easy to mail it in again (you got six funny (true) stories to read above.) But that wouldn't be fair to the spirit of this little exercise. So. Today. I'll offer up a story that I only hinted about in a Facebook status post a few weeks in the rearview.
The first thing you need to know is this. I do laundry I'd guess, 50% of the time. Maybe more during the school year to be honest. I know ladies. What a catch, right? Wrong. I don't do My Lovely Bride's laundry (unless it's t-shirts and other articles of clothing I can't fuck up) because I tend to throw pretty much everything into the same wash and wash it.
I told you that for this, though, BLOG reader. When I was out of town checking on Old Granny and her new robot hip My Lovely Bride did all the laundry. She must have felt sorry for me too, because in addition to doing the laundry she went so far as to place my laundry in my drawers (something she often leaves for me to do myself.)
At some point she placed some of the Elder Boy's size 8 year old boxer brief underwear into my drawer.
As an aside the Younger Boy doesn't have a lot of underwear since he prefers to freeball. His freeballing was so epic that My Lovely Bride actually bribed him with a new video game if he'd agree to wear underwear to school the balance of the year since he was showing so much ass crack. The first week of the new underwear deal, the Younger Boy called My Lovely Bride (he was at home with his brother, she still at work.) Because of the time, My Lovely Bride assumed the Boy wanted to know why she wasn't home yet and when he could expect her to be home. Which I why she said something like, I'll be home soon upon answering the phone. The Boy didn't want that though he told her. He wanted to know if he could take his 'damn' underwear off now that school was over lest he not live up to his side of the bargain.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, the ranch being my underwear drawer, I had no idea that a pair of the Elder Boy's underwear were mixed in with mine. Which is why one day, I pulled a pair along with some socks and placed into my work out bag.
I should note that when I work out at lunch I generally go into the club and change down to my underwear and then suit up. I place the underwear in my bag, into my locker and then put that pair on after I've showered and am changing back into my street clothes.
Which is what I did this fine day a month or so in the rearview in a very crowded 24 Hour Fitness Locker Room.
It was here that I attempted to suit back up in what I didn't realize was the Elder Boy's size 8 boxer briefs which only made it to slightly above my knees.
Being an epic dipshit, at first I figured I was putting both legs into one leg hole.
Wrong. So I figured they much be bunched up in some strange way so I got them a few inches higher to the point of constriction. Where I was doing that crazy ass bounce move trying to get them up (with my penis flopping about no doubt.) Until. I fell. On my ass. In the crowded 24 Hour Fitness locker room. With my dick hanging out and a 9 year old boy's boxer briefs constricting my upper legs.
Which brings me to this (another funny (true) story.) I'd like to apologize to the guy who almost jammed his dick into my knee in the same 24 Hour Fitness Lock Room. I take it all back.
Until I BLOG again...D-U-M-B.
Because, let's face it, when I thought of today's topic I had a bunch of stories pop into my head.
• My onanistic attempt in a public restroom.
• The time I shit—lest I shit myself—in a public park.
• Wearing My Lovely Bride's pants (by accident) for a job interview.
• Tampered with the mail.
• Fashioned a band-aid out of a Maxi-Pad.
• Dug a tick out of the Elder Boy's junk.
If I thought longer I could add more. Hell, anyone who has ever read this, or that, know my penchant to mine the crazy shit that often happens in my life.
It would be easy to mail it in again (you got six funny (true) stories to read above.) But that wouldn't be fair to the spirit of this little exercise. So. Today. I'll offer up a story that I only hinted about in a Facebook status post a few weeks in the rearview.
The first thing you need to know is this. I do laundry I'd guess, 50% of the time. Maybe more during the school year to be honest. I know ladies. What a catch, right? Wrong. I don't do My Lovely Bride's laundry (unless it's t-shirts and other articles of clothing I can't fuck up) because I tend to throw pretty much everything into the same wash and wash it.
I told you that for this, though, BLOG reader. When I was out of town checking on Old Granny and her new robot hip My Lovely Bride did all the laundry. She must have felt sorry for me too, because in addition to doing the laundry she went so far as to place my laundry in my drawers (something she often leaves for me to do myself.)
At some point she placed some of the Elder Boy's size 8 year old boxer brief underwear into my drawer.
As an aside the Younger Boy doesn't have a lot of underwear since he prefers to freeball. His freeballing was so epic that My Lovely Bride actually bribed him with a new video game if he'd agree to wear underwear to school the balance of the year since he was showing so much ass crack. The first week of the new underwear deal, the Younger Boy called My Lovely Bride (he was at home with his brother, she still at work.) Because of the time, My Lovely Bride assumed the Boy wanted to know why she wasn't home yet and when he could expect her to be home. Which I why she said something like, I'll be home soon upon answering the phone. The Boy didn't want that though he told her. He wanted to know if he could take his 'damn' underwear off now that school was over lest he not live up to his side of the bargain.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, the ranch being my underwear drawer, I had no idea that a pair of the Elder Boy's underwear were mixed in with mine. Which is why one day, I pulled a pair along with some socks and placed into my work out bag.
I should note that when I work out at lunch I generally go into the club and change down to my underwear and then suit up. I place the underwear in my bag, into my locker and then put that pair on after I've showered and am changing back into my street clothes.
Which is what I did this fine day a month or so in the rearview in a very crowded 24 Hour Fitness Locker Room.
It was here that I attempted to suit back up in what I didn't realize was the Elder Boy's size 8 boxer briefs which only made it to slightly above my knees.
Being an epic dipshit, at first I figured I was putting both legs into one leg hole.
Wrong. So I figured they much be bunched up in some strange way so I got them a few inches higher to the point of constriction. Where I was doing that crazy ass bounce move trying to get them up (with my penis flopping about no doubt.) Until. I fell. On my ass. In the crowded 24 Hour Fitness locker room. With my dick hanging out and a 9 year old boy's boxer briefs constricting my upper legs.
Which brings me to this (another funny (true) story.) I'd like to apologize to the guy who almost jammed his dick into my knee in the same 24 Hour Fitness Lock Room. I take it all back.
Until I BLOG again...D-U-M-B.
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