What Is Life
Today would have been (or is, I seriously don't know the ruling on that) my Mom's 70th birthday. Fast forward seven days and it will be the 5th anniversary of her death. Two bookend type events for aboynamedstu.
I can't even begin to imagine what life would be like if Mom hadn't died. Well, beyond the fact that Pop probably wouldn't be remarried to Janie. Or back in Oklahoma. Then again. Who knows.
This BLOG post isn't about what ifs. It is about a memory that I keep dredging up of OU/Texas weekend my freshman year of college. A testament to my uptightness, I didn't go to the OU/Texas game my freshman year. The Thursday prior to OU/Texas happened to be my Mom's birthday. Her 44th birthday. Which for those playing along at home, is my current age, and why I keep returning to this memory. You see BLOG reader, my Mom had lost her Dad on September 21st of that year. After a long slow heart related decline which hurt her heart, hard. Which means that I came home on her first birthday sans her Dad, who had just died a little less than three weeks in what was then the rearview.
Not that I planned it that way. At the time I didn't consider any of that.
I didn't get the double whammy of an only child daughter losing her Dad a few weeks after her only child son had went off to college. And not because I suck in real time. Which I do. This is more about how my family dealt with death. My Grandpa's death was really never discussed beyond the actual dying part. He was here one day. Sick. And then dead. Funnily enough both my Mom and her Dad died in what was their living rooms. Where they watched TV. Not that that is my point. My point is this. My Grandpa's death wasn't discussed much, beyond a random story here or there. Everyone sort of dealt with it in their own way, inside their own head. Which might imply that we were freaked out about discussing it. Which is true of many people. This wasn't our case though. It was more about sucking it up and dealing with it.
Which is why I didn't do that with my Mom's death. I did the opposite in fact, documenting the hell out of it over on the Team Tinsley BLOG. Mainly for posterity, so the Boy(s) will know how I really dealt and felt in the Buck Rogers future. And. To try and let it go, the best I could.
Nearly five years later and it is gone. For the most part.
Turns out, for me at least, grief does have as statute of limitations. About four years. I miss my Mom. But I no longer grieve for her. It is like I often say, when people say something regarding her, as if she were still alive: "My Mom is dead." That abrupt black and white statement jars most. Which I find funny. Because my Mom is dead. The same way the sky is blue. And the grass is green. It is a truth I can't escape. Which is why I just approach it head on as I move on down the road of my life. Trying to not be sad or bitter that she's gone. Pausing quietly on a day like today, when she would have been seventy.
Or.
Is seventy.
(to be continued on the 5th anniversary of her death.)
Until I BLOG again...Oh tell me, what is my life without your love, Tell me who am I without you by my side.
I can't even begin to imagine what life would be like if Mom hadn't died. Well, beyond the fact that Pop probably wouldn't be remarried to Janie. Or back in Oklahoma. Then again. Who knows.
This BLOG post isn't about what ifs. It is about a memory that I keep dredging up of OU/Texas weekend my freshman year of college. A testament to my uptightness, I didn't go to the OU/Texas game my freshman year. The Thursday prior to OU/Texas happened to be my Mom's birthday. Her 44th birthday. Which for those playing along at home, is my current age, and why I keep returning to this memory. You see BLOG reader, my Mom had lost her Dad on September 21st of that year. After a long slow heart related decline which hurt her heart, hard. Which means that I came home on her first birthday sans her Dad, who had just died a little less than three weeks in what was then the rearview.
Not that I planned it that way. At the time I didn't consider any of that.
I didn't get the double whammy of an only child daughter losing her Dad a few weeks after her only child son had went off to college. And not because I suck in real time. Which I do. This is more about how my family dealt with death. My Grandpa's death was really never discussed beyond the actual dying part. He was here one day. Sick. And then dead. Funnily enough both my Mom and her Dad died in what was their living rooms. Where they watched TV. Not that that is my point. My point is this. My Grandpa's death wasn't discussed much, beyond a random story here or there. Everyone sort of dealt with it in their own way, inside their own head. Which might imply that we were freaked out about discussing it. Which is true of many people. This wasn't our case though. It was more about sucking it up and dealing with it.
Which is why I didn't do that with my Mom's death. I did the opposite in fact, documenting the hell out of it over on the Team Tinsley BLOG. Mainly for posterity, so the Boy(s) will know how I really dealt and felt in the Buck Rogers future. And. To try and let it go, the best I could.
Nearly five years later and it is gone. For the most part.
Turns out, for me at least, grief does have as statute of limitations. About four years. I miss my Mom. But I no longer grieve for her. It is like I often say, when people say something regarding her, as if she were still alive: "My Mom is dead." That abrupt black and white statement jars most. Which I find funny. Because my Mom is dead. The same way the sky is blue. And the grass is green. It is a truth I can't escape. Which is why I just approach it head on as I move on down the road of my life. Trying to not be sad or bitter that she's gone. Pausing quietly on a day like today, when she would have been seventy.
Or.
Is seventy.
(to be continued on the 5th anniversary of her death.)
Until I BLOG again...Oh tell me, what is my life without your love, Tell me who am I without you by my side.
Happy Birthday to Your Mom!
ReplyDeleteI started reading TT blog for sheer amusement but became invested when your mother passed away and you wrote about the grieving process. I appreciate that you are so open about your journey and feel as though I am privy to something so personal and intimate. There was a peace that settled or maybe it was a sigh or switch in my brain when I read your words I miss my mom but I no longer grieve for her.
ReplyDelete