Sassafras Roots
"You shit in the backyard?" I asked the Elder Boy, stupidly, considering I was staring at his skat.
"Yes."
I looked down at the flies languidly circling his feces.
"Why?" I asked.
He smiled.
"He did it because he...!" The Younger Boy started.
"Stop." I said pointing at him. "I'm not talking to you."
The Younger Boy, stopped, begrudgingly, based on the epic fuck you expression written across his face.
"Why?" I asked the Elder Boy again.
He smiled.
"WHY?" I asked in my scary Dad voice.
"I wanted to see what it would be like," he answered.
"Really?!?" I asked.
A question with a half-ass question. Classic aboynamedstu dipshit move to buy more time.
He smiled again which meant, in my mind at least, he wasn't telling the whole story.
"And...?" I prompted in my scary Dad voice.
"Because I have to...!" The Younger Boy blurted.
"Stop." I said pointing at him again. "I'm not talking to you."
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" The Younger Boy raged as he stomped across the yard. Which is when it hit me. Why the Elder Boy had shit in the backyard. Beyond seeing what it would be like.
"You shit in the backyard so your brother would have to pick it up?" I asked even though I was pretty sure I was correct since one of the Younger Boy's main chores is picking up Ruby the Dog's crap in the backyard.
"Yeah!" The Younger Boy said stomping back over to where I stood and looking at me as if he were talking to a kid who rides the short bus.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you! DAD!" He said in a tone that reeked of insubordination.
"Really?" I asked the Elder Boy ignoring the Younger Boy.
He smiled which was answer enough.
"That's funny." I said forgetting that I was supposed to be Dad and mediate.
"IT'S NOT FUNNY...!" The Younger Boy raged.
"You have to admit," I told the Younger Boy, "It is pretty funny. You're just mad because he did it hoping you'd pick it up. If it wasn't you, it would be funny."
"NO!!! IT'S NOT!!!!" He informed me. "Ruby has to use the backyard."
"What?" I asked. Confused.
"IT'S NOT FUNNY. THIS IS RUBY'S BACKYARD!!!"
"You lost me, Boy." I said. "Why does Ruby care if your brother shits in the backyard? Your Mom. I can see. But Ruby? She's a dog."
Nothing. The Younger Boy simply stared at me with the same epic fuck you expression written across his face. I decided to change my tack and asked, "How'd you know it was your brother's crap versus Ruby's?"
"Just look at it." The Younger Boy said in a tone usually reserved for small children or someone who is mentally challenged. "It's HUGE!"
"No shit." I said as I desperately tried to not laugh at my own bad (but awesomely inappropriate)pun.
Laughing makes the Younger Boy go berserk in such situations.
"That would be a huge shit for Ruby." I added.
"YEAH," The Younger Boy said as if I were king of the dumbasses.
Until I BLOG again...Well, I'm a WASTE like you. With nothing else to do. May I WASTE your time too?
"Yes."
I looked down at the flies languidly circling his feces.
"Why?" I asked.
He smiled.
"He did it because he...!" The Younger Boy started.
"Stop." I said pointing at him. "I'm not talking to you."
The Younger Boy, stopped, begrudgingly, based on the epic fuck you expression written across his face.
"Why?" I asked the Elder Boy again.
He smiled.
"WHY?" I asked in my scary Dad voice.
"I wanted to see what it would be like," he answered.
"Really?!?" I asked.
A question with a half-ass question. Classic aboynamedstu dipshit move to buy more time.
He smiled again which meant, in my mind at least, he wasn't telling the whole story.
"And...?" I prompted in my scary Dad voice.
"Because I have to...!" The Younger Boy blurted.
"Stop." I said pointing at him again. "I'm not talking to you."
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" The Younger Boy raged as he stomped across the yard. Which is when it hit me. Why the Elder Boy had shit in the backyard. Beyond seeing what it would be like.
"You shit in the backyard so your brother would have to pick it up?" I asked even though I was pretty sure I was correct since one of the Younger Boy's main chores is picking up Ruby the Dog's crap in the backyard.
"Yeah!" The Younger Boy said stomping back over to where I stood and looking at me as if he were talking to a kid who rides the short bus.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you! DAD!" He said in a tone that reeked of insubordination.
"Really?" I asked the Elder Boy ignoring the Younger Boy.
He smiled which was answer enough.
"That's funny." I said forgetting that I was supposed to be Dad and mediate.
"IT'S NOT FUNNY...!" The Younger Boy raged.
"You have to admit," I told the Younger Boy, "It is pretty funny. You're just mad because he did it hoping you'd pick it up. If it wasn't you, it would be funny."
"NO!!! IT'S NOT!!!!" He informed me. "Ruby has to use the backyard."
"What?" I asked. Confused.
"IT'S NOT FUNNY. THIS IS RUBY'S BACKYARD!!!"
"You lost me, Boy." I said. "Why does Ruby care if your brother shits in the backyard? Your Mom. I can see. But Ruby? She's a dog."
Nothing. The Younger Boy simply stared at me with the same epic fuck you expression written across his face. I decided to change my tack and asked, "How'd you know it was your brother's crap versus Ruby's?"
"Just look at it." The Younger Boy said in a tone usually reserved for small children or someone who is mentally challenged. "It's HUGE!"
"No shit." I said as I desperately tried to not laugh at my own bad (but awesomely inappropriate)pun.
Laughing makes the Younger Boy go berserk in such situations.
"That would be a huge shit for Ruby." I added.
"YEAH," The Younger Boy said as if I were king of the dumbasses.
Until I BLOG again...Well, I'm a WASTE like you. With nothing else to do. May I WASTE your time too?
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