A damn good microwave pizza
Stuart wasn't sure what he hated more. His job or that fucking microwave in the office break room.
He was about to stick his microwave pizza into that stanky ass microwave when Leah walked into the break room and asked, "Are you about to use the microwave?"
If Stuart's life was the cartoon he imagined, a gigantic thought bubble would have popped above his head saying: "WHAT THE FUCK!" in a bold red type.
Alas, Stuart's life was not a cartoon so he thought to himself, What was your first clue, as he watched Leah extract a Lean Cuisine dinner out of the break room freezer.
"I'm dieting." She said.
Then thought a second before adding, "New Year's resolution."
It took every ounce of Stuart's superego to squash the diatribe that was running amok in his head: Eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch isn't going to do shit for your weight with all the visits you make to the vending machines each day not to mention the fact that you crack open a Diet Coke every fucking hour. I've never seen you drink water. Bitch.
"I think I've lost a couple of pounds." Leah said smiling.
Stuart smiled. But not because Leah had lost weight. He smiled at what he thought.
Your piss must be the same color as Diet Coke.
And smell like the sick of someone who has vomited up a pack of Skittles.
On a pile of shit.
"I'll come back...I guess." Leah said.
"That would be best." Stuart said as he bent a spoon in half and contemplated the ramifications of placing it into the microwave with his damn good microwave pizza.
He was about to stick his microwave pizza into that stanky ass microwave when Leah walked into the break room and asked, "Are you about to use the microwave?"
If Stuart's life was the cartoon he imagined, a gigantic thought bubble would have popped above his head saying: "WHAT THE FUCK!" in a bold red type.
Alas, Stuart's life was not a cartoon so he thought to himself, What was your first clue, as he watched Leah extract a Lean Cuisine dinner out of the break room freezer.
"I'm dieting." She said.
Then thought a second before adding, "New Year's resolution."
It took every ounce of Stuart's superego to squash the diatribe that was running amok in his head: Eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch isn't going to do shit for your weight with all the visits you make to the vending machines each day not to mention the fact that you crack open a Diet Coke every fucking hour. I've never seen you drink water. Bitch.
"I think I've lost a couple of pounds." Leah said smiling.
Stuart smiled. But not because Leah had lost weight. He smiled at what he thought.
Your piss must be the same color as Diet Coke.
And smell like the sick of someone who has vomited up a pack of Skittles.
On a pile of shit.
"I'll come back...I guess." Leah said.
"That would be best." Stuart said as he bent a spoon in half and contemplated the ramifications of placing it into the microwave with his damn good microwave pizza.
"That would be best"
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